Today I had a cigarette to smoke you away.
Today I had a glass of wine to drink you away.
Today I talked to a boy to forget you away.
Today I slept an hour early to sleep you away.
& little did I know, the small habits I did today, started becoming a routine.
Smoke, drink, mingled with different men, and always slept.
And this became my life. The little habits that I hoped will numb me just to forget you. Just to not feel for you anymore.
But it wasn’t until one day when I was smoking that I felt the toxic chemicals burn my throat and almost choked.
It wasn’t until after several nights of drinking bottles and bottles of liquor that I felt the sweet poison throbbing my head & sinking to my stomach that I became so ill.
It wasn’t until after the 4th guy that I “lead on” tell me that he couldn’t do this anymore because he knew I was still holding onto you.
It wasn’t until one day I woke up from my bed that I realized every time I wake up, I felt the sadness more and more in my chest.
& from all of this I realized you weren’t worth destroying myself.
You weren’t worth burning my lungs
You weren’t worth the hangovers and the blurry memories
You weren’t worth the troubles of another man that are trying to pay the price for your lies
You weren’t worth me forgetting what it meant to live and be alive.
So today, I promised myself to stop smoking, and start breathing
To stop drinking, and start living sober.
To stop finding you in other men, and start finding the love I deserve within myself.
To stop sleeping my days & night away, and start waking up & living.
Sometimes, people indulge themselves in habits to forget a certain pain. To numb it. To erase it. & to not feel it anymore. But majority of the time, people try to diminish the pain away by involving in habits that end up hurting them even more. No one is ever worth destroying your inner peace & well being, if you must forget and move on, do it, it’s good for the soul, but in your process of letting go & moving on, make sure you indulge yourself in habits that help you, not hurt you, strengthens you, but not destroy you.